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Camping West Virginia Camping Wisconsin Camping Wyoming Camping United States of America Europe Canada Central America Africa The Islands South America Australia Mexico Asia Butch Camping Tips 01 August 2005 Chris S. Witwer I´d like to be able to say that I'm good at camping - but I certainly can't say any such thing. It's quite difficult to admit that I, a card-carrying Butch, am completely without camping skills. It's even harder to admit it to the Femme who can pitch a tent in under 3 minutes, cook a seven course meal over an open fire, and still manage to look stunning in the oversized flannel shirt she's worn for three days in a row. To prevent my fellow Butches from ever having to make such an admission, I've created the following list of Butch camping tips. Hopefully, you'll be able to survive your next camping adventure with both your ego and your image intact. 1. Refuse To Sleep In A Tent This tactic will keep you from making a total fool of yourself when you can't pitch your own tent. You'll also look really cool just standing around, sipping a beer, watching your fellow campers slave away. Watch them carefully - as if judging their skills. And they'll think you are. Refusing to sleep in a tent saves face, but it does create another problem - where do you sleep? The best two options I've seen so far are a) an air mattress in the back of your truck, or b) one of those lounge-style lawn chairs and a blanket. Viola'! Sleeping quarters. 2. Insist That Cooked Food Is For Sissies Of course, to do this, you'll need to pack your own provisions. Fortunately, your options are endless. You can take beef jerky and shoestring potatoes in a pull-top can. Or you can go a little fancier and stock up on all those outdoorsy foods they sell at your favourite outdoor adventure store - like energy bars, or packets of stew that don't require heating. It's the same stuff the astronauts eat. 3. Designate Yourself Camp Photographer Being behind the camera, rather than in front of it, prevents anyone from obtaining evidence that you're out of your element. Besides, it's a lot of fun to catch shy people taking river baths! 4. Triple Dog Dare Someone To Start A Fire With Her Eyeglasses This will take performance pressure off you for a while. Don't forget to chuckle knowingly. 5. Tell Tall Tales Make sure everyone at your campsite knows what a seasoned camper you are. Tell about the time that 9-foot bear ripped open your tent while you were sleeping and you had to wrestle him to the ground. Or recollect how you once lived on berries and twigs for three weeks in the Outback. Note: If you've followed butch camping tips 1-5, your fellow campers might be a little annoyed with you. Increase your social value so they don't send you packing. 6. Have The Best Toys The fanciest compass, the watch that does everything, the 80-purpose pocket knife, GPS systems, portable weather stations. You get the drift. If you're going to be with sports fans, have sports scores and local news sent to your pager or cell phone. You'll be glad you did. 7. Play The Best Music A battery-operated boom box with a CD player should do the trick. You know which CDs you'll need. (Melissa, The Girls, Ani) If you play guitar, that's even better. 8. Be The Romantic A couple of good bottles of Merlot and some wine glasses - although it's imperative that you can get them to camp without breaking them! Poetry can't hurt. Maybe some Shakespearean sonnets? Walden is a good bet, too. Or one of Suzie Bright's books could lead to an interesting evening. 9. Take Lots Of Toilet Paper If you can't tell the difference between poison oak and aloe leaves, you better take some T.P. with you. Sharing extra rolls can smooth down any ruffled feathers. 10. Put Together A First Class First-Aid/Personal Care Kit Pack plenty of sun block and mosquito repellent. (Bug bites and sunburns can turn just about anybody into a whiner - and you know how unattractive we Butches are when we whine.) Even better - share your triple strength aspirin, solar shower, analgesic creme, or sinus tablets with a woman in need, and it'll endear you to her for the rest of the trip. And that's it, ladies! Happy Camping!! (Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for any damaged incurred through application or contemplation of aforementioned camping tips.) By Chris S. Witwer, © 2005 Lesbianation.com, All Rights Reserved. By: Chris S. Witwer Home - Advertise - Contact - About - Site Map